Monday, 21 May 2012

Declan Psoriasis.


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Full Name: 
Declan Uriah Psoriasis I

Nickname: 
'Tyrannosaurus' Psoriasis

Date of Birth:
40/07/70

Place of Birth (Current Residence): 
Eugene, Oregon (Lawrence, Kansas)

Club Team: 
Lawrence Quasi-Beavers BC

BAFBA Boules Debut:
2011

Favoured Technique: 
'The Salamander' - Psoriasis pauses and stoops before launching an unusual double-fisted winkle

BAFBA Tour Titles: 
0

Greatest Boules Achievement:
Somehow managing to find his 2nd nebula, in unforgiving undergrowth (underneath some discarded fast food), during a wretched opening round at The Camembert Country Club Invitational in early 2012.

Favourite Venue: 
Tiddlehampton Rectory, Tiddlehampton

Least Favourite Venue: 
Camembert Country Club, Texas (see above)

He says... : 
"I have so much to give, but so much to learn..."

They say... :
"He has so much to learn".

Did you know...?: 
Psoriasis once ate porridge for dinner, apparently mistaking it for leek and potato soup. 
Psoriasis is allergic to porridge, and required 4 stitches.


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Sunday, 20 May 2012

Polly Skiboots.


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Full Name:
Polly Harvey Oswald Skiboots 

Nickname(s):
'The Biggle Beagle'

Date of Birth:
28/01/42

Place of Birth:
Biggle, California 

Current Residence:
Wooville

Club Team:
WUBs (Wooville University Beagles)

BAFBA Boules Debut:
2011

Favoured Technique/Signature moves:
'The Wurlitzer', whereby Skiboots gibbers and pops as she prances and spins her way towards delivery of the schwere kugel.

BAFBA Tour Titles:
1

Greatest Boules Achievement:
Winning her very first tournament at the inaugural North Korean Metropolitan Congretional in 2011 with an aggressive 'Wurlitzer' winkle finish which famously brought her opponent, the experienced Rambert Valentine, to tears.  

Favourite Venue:
Pyongyang Metropolitan Public Baths

She says... : 
"I am a bilingual Boulista - I do English and profanity"

They say... :
"Skiboots is a dangerous and formidable opponent - she's like a tiny Godzilla with flip-flops"

Did you know...?:
Polly Skiboots is an amateur cryptozoologist.
She also enjoys reading Jilly Cooper books, as she is a big fan of 'gritty urban non-fiction'.

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Thursday, 17 May 2012

Ken Mews.

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Full Name:
Kenneth Samuel Mews MP

Nickname(s):
'Ken Plod', 'The Plod', 'The Gobbler', 'The Fist of Wrath'.

Date of Birth:
12/12/40

Place of Birth (Current Residence):
Balliford Glebe, County Durham (Flaxmarsh)

Club Team:
Durham Warlords (retired)

BAFBA Boules Debut:
1960

Favoured Technique/Signature move:
The Falcon Fulcrum

BAFBA Tour Titles:
42

Greatest Boules Achievement:
Defending the 'Champion of Champions' title at Penge in 1980

Favourite Venue:
Eglesnash Steading Cornmarket

He says... : 
"Everybody must learn to respect The Plod"

They say... :
"Unflinchingly intimidating"

Did you know...?:
Former policeman and MP for Flaxmarsh, Ken Mews is a modern titan of Freestyle Boules. Though recently retired, his passion for the sport was matched only by his passions for the prevention of localised inner city crime, collecting rare Egyptian footwear, and visiting the Jorvik Viking Centre in York.

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Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Huew Wiseman.

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Full Name: 
Huew De Saville Wisemann IV

Nickname: 
'The Cardinal'

Date of Birth:
04/07/70

Place of Birth (Current Residence): 
Gerney Bar, Wales (Kipborn)

Club Team: 
'The Bishop's Hammock Public House Avengers' (now defunct)

BAFBA Boules Debut:
1991

Favoured Technique: 
'The Hanging Basket' - a move inspired by his country residence in Kipborn.

BAFBA Tour Titles: 
0

Greatest Boules Achievement:
Qualifying for 'The Quernfield Vase Trophy' in 1992

Favourite Venue: 
Bray

Least Favourite Venue: 
Roxmill Cottage

He says... : 
"They put powder in my schnapps, and promised to take me beyond the atrium"

They say... :
"Wiseman folded like a house of cards"

Did you know...?: 
Wiseman holds the unenviable distinction of being the only player in BAFBA history to register 'nil points' - in a Best of 5-Bastards Championship game at the 'Roxmill Cottage Matchplay' in 1993.
The 0-21, 0-21, 0-21 thrashing, in little over 25 minutes, by Humberside rookie Gibson 'The Monkey Wrench' Otterwas the first of its kind. 
It was later claimed (unsuccessfully, by Wiseman himself) that he had been drugged in the evening before the match, by a member of Otter's loyal fanbase, the 'Ottettes'. 
Although no official retirement has been announced, Wiseman has not appeared on the circuit since the incident.




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Monday, 14 May 2012

Tam 'Coughing Buck' Buchanan.

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Full Name:
Tam-Ehud Paisley Buchanan Jr

Nickname:
'The Coughing Buck'

Date of Birth:
25/12/64

Place of Birth (Current Residence):
Strathclyde, Scotland (Plumedge, Norfolk) 

Club Team:
Norwich Panthers

BAFBA Boules Debut:
1983

Favoured Technique/Signature Move:
Aggresive Snow Leopard (palm-up) Winkle

BAFBA Tour Titles:
9

Greatest Boules Achievement:
Winning the 1987 Croydon Invitational (400 entrants)

Favourite Venue: 
Llamas Park, Northfields

He says... :
"As sure as God made tiny apples, there'll be blood on the Moon".

They say... :
"Few that have crossed the Coughing Buck have survived with a full compliment of fingers".

Did you know...?:
Tam has 9 children - 7 of whom are named either 'Tammie' or 'Tam'.


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Saturday, 12 May 2012

Ahmed Loe.

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Full Name:
Ahmed Loe

Nickname:
"The Loe-Blow"

Date of Birth:
01/01/85

Place of Birth (Current Residence):
Bradford, UK (Rutsax, Staffs.)

Club Team:
Rutsax Nutsax BC

BAFBA Boules Debut:
2007

Favoured Technique/Signature Move:
A unique (needs to be seen to be believed) overarm Leamington Handy.

BAFBA Tour Titles:
None

Greatest Boules Achievement:
Runner Up at 'The Fisheries Challenge' 2008

Favourite Venue:
The car park at 'The Croxteth Cannon', Liverpool.

He says... :
"When the sun hits the pie, and you drink it with wine, that's fu-ror-e" 

They say... : 
"Loe-Blow punches be-Loe the belt" 

Did you know...?:
Loe was taught Boules by the late Denis Thatcher.


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Friday, 11 May 2012

Dr Miguel Umgh.

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Full Name:
Dr Anthony Amarillo Nathaniel Padstowe

Nickname: 
'Miguel Umgh'

Date of Birth: 
02/04/66

Place of Birth (Current Residence):
Balmouth, UK (Balmouth)

Club Team:
Old Balmouth College Unitarians 

BAFBA Boules Debut:
1972

Favoured Technique/Signature move:
The Goosewing (an unorthodox roundhouse throw - like a hammer thrower)

BAFBA Tour Titles:
15

Greatest Boules Achievement:
His victory in the 'Yemen Cup', aged 17

Favourite Venue:
Wormwood Scrubs Auxilliary Hospital

He says... :
"When I pull the Goosewing, my heart sings..."

They say... :
"Umgh is a precocious talent, but has a major drinking problem".

Did you know...?:
Umgh is related to Burt Reynolds' sister.



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Thursday, 10 May 2012

Morecambe Hidari O'Muir.

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Full Name:
Morecambe Neil Yuri Hidari O'Muir

Nickname:
"Bucky"

Date of Birth:
Unknown

Place of Birth (Current Residence):
Stepps, Scotland (Unknown)

Club Team:
None

BAFBA Boules Debut:
1999

Favoured Technique:
The Crab (also known as the 'skimmer')

BAFBA Tour Titles:
5

Greatest Boules Achievement:
Completing the Perrenporth Festival 'Vortex Challenge' in 2003 whilst suffering from amnesia and acute alcohol poisoning

Favourite Venue:
Helsinki Auditorium

He says... : 
"Prick..."

They say... :
"O'Muir is the Oliver Reed of Boules"

Did you know...?:
O'Muir can't swim, but can make broth.


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Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Cahill Morgue - BAFBA Secretary.

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A rare photo of Morgue, circa 1979


Cahill Emery St.Loovens Morgue (b.1956, in Mickle, East Lancs.) has been General Secretary of BAFBA since the embezzlement tribunal, and subsequent dismissal, of 'Smokey' Joe Kauffman in 1980.

An outspoken advocate of the unique (now banned) run-and-throw technique known as "The Hubert Parry Lunge", which is very similar to that of a javelin thrower, Morgue allegedly first played 'regulation boules' in 1970.

Having won numerous trophies, displaying remarkable physical strength and stamina, he was then given a life ban from professional competition after failing a drugs test in 1979.

Forced to abandon his regular throwing action due to persistent calf trouble and pressure from local government officials, Morgue refined his gameplan and was welcomed as a BAFBA member in 1979, where he became an instant hit with fans - largely due to his pragmatic verbal jousting with opponents.



To be furthered...





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